Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Good enough (with moments of brilliance)

The most wonderful thing in the world has happened. I have become a mum.

So much has changed in my life and being a stay-at-home parent can sometimes be isolating but I still have things to say - this blog is my voice. You don't have to listen but I'm going to speak anyway (if a tree falls in a forest and no-one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound!?) This is my way of connecting and sharing my experiences and I do hope you will comment and share yours too. We are independent and yet still part of a whole.

I am conscious that there are a million and one wonderful blogs out there about being a parent and the trials and tribulations that come with that. This is not that.

There are also a million and one blogs about natural living, eco-conscious beauty, food, fashion and wellbeing and all the other things I love and am interested in that form my whole... This is not that either.

This is just me. 

So right now I am sitting on the couch having successfully managed to get showered and dressed with my 9 1/2 week old baby who is already on her third outfit of the day (bodily fluids rather than fashion necessitated). And I am feeling a pretty good sense of achievement!

You see I used to be a Perfectionist. And it served me very well in my darkest days when the only way I could feel better was to force myself to see the positive in everything, to engineer even the merest of silver linings. I was renowned for my (apparently slightly irritating?) habit of seeing the best in every person, scenario and challenge; your classic "sunny disposition".

But Perfectionism turned against me. When you put yourself on a Perfect Pedestal you only have one way to go, and it ain't up. In the months preceding my baby girl's birth I had a lot of time to think about what kind of mum I wanted to be and many opportunities to feel guilty or worried about what I was or wasn't doing to be the best mum I could be.

My conclusion? I want to be "good enough" with moments of brilliance. That feels pretty good.

No pressure to do it all right all of the time (and what is "right" anyway?) And no pressure on Baby Ayla to live up to a Perfect Mother either. No pressure on me to get the right balance of work and time off from work, time for myself and time as a wife and as a mother. No pressure to make everyone else happy first.

We have just returned from our first weekend away. My husband and mother came to help with Ayla as I attended the annual Neal's Yard Remedies Organic conference (I have been an Independent Consultant with NYR Organic for 4 1/2 years), my first day of work in 3 months. It was a great weekend. I was so lucky to have the support of my mother on Sunday night so my other half and I could attend the Gala Dinner and Awards and feel like "us" again. And I was so lucky to have the support of my husband so that I could attend the Conference on Monday and feel like "me" again. And I was so lucky to have the support of my baby to let me know it was alright to take this time as long as I was coming right back again (I don't know how I knew but I just did).

But the best bit? Coming back from being "us" and being "me" and realising that I have those parts within me all the time but they are now wrapped up in being "mummy" and releasing that not only am I ok with that but I actually love it. All we have done is cuddle today and that's probably going to be the main focus for tomorrow too. And that is my new Perfect :-)

[Just call me mama, life lover, wellbeing campaigner, organic fiend and blogger of all things.]